07 Jun Parenting: Regret and Resentment
Being real: my experiences as a parent have not been what I thought they would be.
When I imagined becoming a parent, I pictured adorable fat babies, sweet children full of cheer and ice cream cones, and a life of taking care of them in peace.
Admittedly very idyllic expectations.
My babies were definitely adorable and fat, and cheer always comes with ice cream cones!
But I found in myself that I had held so tightly to those idyllic expectations, that when life events and circumstances began to craft a different, unstable reality for me and my family…I resisted making the adjustments needed to accept this unwanted parenting reality.
I resisted when I could have been preparing to thrive within new circumstances.
I also resented.
I resented my new parenting reality and allowed it to foster in me feelings of having been cheated out of my ability to parent in peace.
I resented feeling the need to protect my children from their other parent.
I resented the stigma that comes from single parenting.
I resented the new status of Head of Household and knowing that I am left holding the bag at the end of the day, alone.
I put up walls designed to keep the predators out and succeeded at keeping most everybody out. Suspicion and a skeptical eye were pieces of my armor I still have to pry loose much of the time.
The truth is: I can slay anyone who comes after my kids. And I have. Predators are in prison on this very day because they chose me and my family to target. They are where they need to be.
But ten years of solo parenting with resentment toward life circumstances has robbed me.
It has distracted me from enjoying the very thing I have been guarding. So much time being distracted by protecting, guarding and providing for…that I forgot to enjoy being their mother.
This is what I regret most. The time that I spent forgetting to enjoy being their mother.
That time is over now. I still work more that a lot of people. I still stress over things and feel the weight of providing for them alone.
But I will no longer forget to enjoy being their mother! Not for one more day.
My kids are amazing and worth every hard thing I’ve had to do on their behalf.
The world is lucky to have them in it and though this parenting gig of mine has been nothing like my original imaginings, how could I trade it?
No more regrets and no more resentment. It’s time for us now.